Compassion

Acting in line with your values, even on the rough days.

This month's text on values, by Maria: 

It’s a rainy Wednesday morning, the weather suited for my current mood. I am on my way to work to meet a handful of patients and I do not feel the slightest bit motivated.
The morning has started in the worst possible way: Before 8 am I have managed to come in conflict with both my partner and my two children. There's been yelling, blaming, nagging, endless discussions that don’t seem to lead anywhere. I have bitter thoughts in my head, and for a while it all seems hopeless. When landing in my seat on the bus, I wish the ride would never end -- but in 20 minutes I need to take on my professional glasses and show my patient, a person in a great deal of suffering, my engagement and empathic concern.

Something in the back of my head keeps nagging me. It says “Maria, this won’t lead to any good, the mistake is already made, settle with how you can repair what is broken and forgive yourself. Do something to distract you, use your time wisely!” I want to tell that annoying voice to shut up, put on sad music and pout. Instead I sigh, resign. By now,I know the voice is right. I pick up my phone, tell my partner I am sorry for acting out my stress on him. Ask him for forgiveness and to kiss the kids for me until I’m home again. I put on my compassion-app and listen to a guided meditation. It brings me calm, remind me of what loving-kindness and compassion can give me.

I come to think about the first patient of the day. A woman my age who is so hard on herself, never gives herself a break. I feel for her, want to help her see the benefit from being compassionate towards herself. I wish she could see what it has done for me. I put my hands up to my chest, try to get in contact with my compassionate voice in my head and tell myself  “What you did this morning was not great, but it was human. You were under a lot of stress and you have a hard time handling stress in the mornings. Choose to forgive yourself and let it not take over the whole day. Let yourself be of great use to your patients and colleagues and take care of yourself so that you can come home feeling content and with a lot of hugs in your back-pack.”

I start to wonder how I just a few moments ago could think about my work as horrible when really it is chosen with great care and is deeply meaningful to me. I wonder how my head could twist into thinking why I have chosen to have a family when there is nothing better in the world than to look into my children's eyes and feel their hands all over my face. I choose to not blame myself for these thoughts, they are merely thoughts, and they are human. This afternoon I will make up for the morning, I promise myself that.

Oh, good, I almost missed my stop sitting here with my head up in the clouds. During those steps to the office in the cold rain my mind has taken a new turn. I look forward to seeing that patient of mine and hopefully give her a way to let go of that self-criticism. I look forward to the meeting where we will plan for the future and I look forward to coming home to my family. The day might be hard, but being in contact with who I want to be and what I find meaningful makes it easier to get through the day even with draining energy. In the meeting with my first patient, I get to talk about compassion. When we do an exercise I remind myself about that this is something I need as well as the patient. In the meeting with my second patient, I get to talk about values and ACT and I get a reminder about who I want to be. After work, the kids are cranky and my partner and I are tired. I manage to remind myself about this morning; that is not who I want to be. After the circus of an everyday evening with two children, I lie next to my son. My mind starts to drift away to work and things that stress me. My son brings me back with his questions and needs. I remember to be thankful for it instead of annoyed like a was yesterday; that is not who I want to be. He gives me a big hug and snuggles into my arms and I just have to wait for him to fall asleep. Another day with disappointments, challenges, compassion and gratefulness has passed. 

Feminism from a mindful perspective

We haven't figured out how to change the author of the blog posts yet, so suffice to say that this post is written by Maria, not Frida as it says above. Enjoy!

My interest for feminism started early in life and I have never had a problem with calling myself a feminist or to fight for equality. But as for many of us, the teenage version of me saw everything from a more black or white perspective than I do nowadays. Life makes you humble and wise. Unfortunately, it also tends to make us more lazy, less engaged and more hopeless with time. Going through my university education, trying out partner relationships and having children made me for years feel ashamed of not being as hardcore in my everyday life as I in my values had stated to be. It made my question if I could really call myself a feminist at all. I have never lost my interest for feminism, but one might say that the problems seemed so big I partly lost my hope.

Having my son 5 years ago made me relate to this issue in a new way. After his birth I soon realized that what I had been told was true. The expectations on a little boy was different from those on a little girl, and many mistook my son for a girl when I chose to dress him in pink and keep his long, dark beautiful hair. I didn’t mind that people mistook him for a girl, but I did mind that they didn’t question their own prejudices. 10 months ago I had a daughter and experienced the same thing, but the other way around. It was starting to make me more irritated than anything else. My fighting spirit was given fire again and I started reading more inspiring literature and listening to feminist podcasts. I started being more hardcore again in my everyday life; being bolder with my statements, being less humble and more demanding. Once again, as in my teenage years, it seemed to make me frustrated and tired, which reduced my motivation once again.

One night, I chose to sit down with my partner and talk to him. I talked about the two perspectives in me and how they made me feel fragmented. One side of me wants to be this tough, sharp and fearless woman. One side of me wants to be this mindful, humble and compassionate person. Slowly, during our discussion, I started to see a vision where these two sides could meet. I could make certain demands of my environment, but still be humble and patient about the fact that change takes time. I could bring the discussion up, make feminism an interesting and important subject in my home, at my workplace and in my relationships, but do it from an inspiring, strengthening perspective.

I know this might be debated. Men should do this, we shouldn’t have to motivate them and so on. I think so too. But to rage on every man in my life will not make me feel more equal, will not make me happier and will not make them see the benefits of walking in the direction of creating a better world for my children to live in - so I really think we have to be smarter than that.

Of course this is still something that I think about every single day of my life and I am nowhere near satisfied but I have a plan that I follow where I both have a path that I am motivated to walk on, but still an acceptance that every piece is not in it’s right place quite yet.
So, may the compassionate fight continue!

 

Why we will never tell you to “just be positive”.

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 Not to ruin the mood for anyone, but we have to be honest about one thing when it comes to YOMI: we’re not preachers of a happy-go-lucky attitude, and certainly not of a ”just think positive” one. To be honest, there is an abundance of various life coaches, mindfulness entrepreneurs and health profiles that try to sell the message that it’s up to you to change your thoughts, and that your life will be amazing once you do.

Here’s why that won’t be the recipe for a large number of people, and why saying that we can control our own thoughts can be both guilt-inducing and counterproductive:

  • Ignoring thoughts don’t make them go away
  • People have spent centuries trying to get rid of unwanted thoughts and emotions, usually with the result of more suffering in the long run.
  • Worrying does in certain cases serve a purpose for us: experienced security, even if this security is imagined more than anything
  • If you’re a worrier thinking positive probably won’t make you feel good, it will probably make you feel terrified

So, do we think that everyone should just let the negativity, catastrophic thoughts flow freely? Not quite, but we do think that we should make space for whatever arises in us, both good and bad stuff – and practice how to take care of ourselves even in hard times.

Shortly here’s what we propose:

  • Accept that your brain will continue to produce thoughts for as long as you live. This is what our brain does and likes doing the most.
  • Just because thoughts are produced doesn’t mean that we need to place any value or emphasis on them.
  • There’s a difference between avoiding thoughts and acknowledging that they are there, but without reacting to them. Doing the latter is usually more beneficial for us.  
  • Sometimes life sucks, a lot of the times life is hard. It would be stranger if this didn’t affect us than if it does. This is perfectly fine – hurtful, but in order. When we allow ourselves to be with what is, even pain, it usually subsides after a while. All emotional states eventually pass and shift.  

When we in hard times intentionally shift our gaze to what’s still working, beautiful, desired, lovely in our lives we help our brains detect the small stuff that usually get hidden when disaster strikes. By helping our brains do just that we also help our minds widen their perspective by allowing positive and negative thoughts and emotions exist side by side. We help our minds become more flexible in seeing that things seldom are black and white, but that there’s always at least a ray of light in the darkest of times, as well as a streak of darkness in the lightest of times. And that this is perfectly well.

 

Inspirational tip: Brené Brown

One of our biggest sources of inspiration is the American researcher Brené Brown, who's spent many years studying what constitutes a meaningful life for people. Which led her to closer examine shame and vulnerability. 

Apart from having written several books that are worthy of reading, she has a few Ted talks that really shifts your perspective. Give yourself a treat and 20 minutes of getting inspired: